ADHD, Rudeness, and the Angry Resting Face

If you’re like me, every so often, someone gives you feedback that makes you stop and think. For me, it was this: “You come across as kind of rude sometimes.”

Ouch.

The truth is, I wasn’t trying to be rude. I was just being me — focused, maybe a little blunt, and apparently… face-first in what looks like quiet fury.

Somewhere along the way, I learned that my resting face in meetings looks like I’m mad. Now, whenever I start working with new people, I tell them:

“If I look angry, I promise I’m not. I’m probably just processing — or thinking about what to eat for lunch.”

That little disclaimer gets a laugh, but it also sets the tone:

1. Acknowledge the Pattern Without Shame

When you hear that kind of feedback, it’s easy to go straight to guilt or defensiveness. (“Wait, what? I was just listening!”) But the truth is, ADHD can affect communication in sneaky ways: tone, timing, facial expression, even how quickly we jump into conversation.

This doesn’t mean you’re a bad person — it means your style is just a little different.

Feedback isn’t proof that something’s wrong with you; it’s just information. Think of it like data you can use to fine-tune how you connect with others.

2. Start New Relationships With Transparency

One of the best ways to avoid misunderstanding is to get ahead of it. When you’re starting a new working relationship or joining a team, tell people a bit about how you communicate best.

Here’s how I do it:

“Sometimes I get hyper-focused or my face goes into ‘processing mode.’ If I look intense, don’t worry — I’m probably just thinking. Feel free to check in if something feels off!”

It’s short, disarming, and honest. You’re giving people context — and permission to interpret your behavior accurately instead of assuming the worst.

3. Use Humor to Disarm and Connect

Humor is your secret weapon. It softens the edges of self-disclosure and turns what could be an awkward topic into a human one.

When I make my “angry face” disclaimer, people laugh, and suddenly we’re all more relaxed. The humor signals, I know myself. I’m aware of how I might come across. You don’t have to tiptoe around me.

Self-aware humor doesn’t make you the punchline — it makes you relatable.

4. Ask for Feedback Proactively

This one can feel scary, but it’s game-changing. Instead of waiting for someone to tell you they’re uncomfortable, you can invite the feedback before there’s a problem.

You might say:

“Hey, if I ever sound short or off, please let me know — I never mean it that way.”

That one sentence does three things:

• Shows you care about the relationship.

• Gives people permission to communicate openly.

• Takes away the fear that they’ll “hurt your feelings” by being honest.

People respect that kind of openness — and they usually respond with grace.

5. Practice Pausing Before Reacting

ADHD brains move fast — sometimes too fast for social nuance. You hear something, your brain fires off an answer, and before you know it, you’ve accidentally come across as abrupt or dismissive.

A simple pause can save the day.

Try these:

• Take one deep breath before you respond.

• Say “Give me a second to think about that” instead of blurting out the first thought.

• Keep a little sticky note on your desk that says “Tone check.” (Mine also says “Eat lunch.”)

It doesn’t have to be perfect — it just has to buy you a beat of awareness.

6. Remember: You’re Not Broken

If you’ve ever felt like you’re constantly apologizing for existing “wrong,” please hear this: you’re not broken. You just have a brain that runs on a different operating system.

ADHD communication can be bold, direct, funny, and deeply authentic. Those are strengths — they just need translation sometimes.

The goal isn’t to erase your style; it’s to help others understand it.

7. From Misunderstood to Understood

Over the years, I’ve learned that explaining myself upfront isn’t overkill — it’s leadership. It shows I care enough to make connections easier for everyone.

And honestly, it’s kind of liberating to own it. Now, when someone tells me I looked “mad” in a meeting, I smile and say,

“Nope, not mad — just hungry.”

Because let’s be real — I probably am thinking about lunch :).